Giving Second Chances
Giving someone a second chance can be a difficult decision, especially when you have been hurt by them. Forgiveness is always good for your soul, but forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean giving them another chance to hurt you. There is a very real possibility that they'll repeat the behaviour that made you pull away in the first place. Other times second chances lead to healing, growth and fulfilling experiences. When is it a good idea to give a second chance?
This is definitely a decision you have to make for yourself. It can be helpful to seek the advice and opinions of people you trust, but ultimately you are the one who will live with the decision. There are times when friends and loved ones will discourage giving a second chance because they love you and don't want to see you get hurt, but only you can decide if it's really a good idea or not.
The first thing you should consider when making this decision is: what has changed? If you pulled away from a friend, family member or romantic partner because the relationship was toxic, you should not give a second chance if nothing has changed. Does the other person demonstrate a genuine willingness to change? Has the other person expressed a new point of view and accepted responsibility for their actions?
Do you want to give this person a second chance? It could be a mistake. You could get hurt again. You already know this, but if your heart is telling you to give another chance it's probably a risk you're willing to take (even if nothing has changed). Sometimes the risk pays off with rewarding new experiences with someone you already care deeply for, and sometimes the pay off comes in the form of a painful but valuable lesson learned.
No one can make the decision for you and no one has the right to judge you for the decision you make, regardless of the outcome.
~*~Monica Who~*~
Labels: forgiveness, love and relationships, personal growth advice, toxic relationships
posted by Monica Who @ 12:01 PM
2 Comments:
hi monica... i am undergoing a heartbreak and that's because i caught my boyfriend kissing his ex on the night we went to this disco bar to celebrate our last day of college.. i am very, very hurt and what he did was very painful... i understand that just like me, he is very much hurt right now... he is crying... begging for a second chance... but monica, the thing is he did it when i was there too... what more if i wasn't? i just left for a couple of minutes and when my friend and i came back, to my surprise, he was lip-locking with his ex girlfriend who happened to be his "bestfriend"... what should i do? my friends are telling me, let him go... but others tell me (like my mom and sister) give him a
second chance... i am very much puzzled... i was having a hard time coming up to a decision because of two things "nobody's perfect"... my boyfriend isn't perfect... and "everybody deserves a second chance"... i can see my boyfriend's eagerness to win me back, but the thing is i am very much afraid to be hurt again by him... but i do love him... really... and he said he loves me too... so much... the four months of us being together, i can say we've been happy... i've been happy... but what should i do? should i give him the chance or not? help me monica... help me... your opinion could help me a lot! thank you!
Dear Joyce,
Thank you for posting your story here. Certainly your situation is very complex and I cannot tell you what to do! This is a situation where you must listen to your heart :) It sounds very clear that deep down you want to give your boyfriend a second chance--and it's certainly possible that you go back and forth on this issue quite a lot; sometimes wanting to give another chance and sometimes wanting to walk away from the pain and confusion forever!
I can certainly understand the mixed emotions you must be feeling. Whatever you do decide, no one can blame you either way!
But... considering that it sounds like you would prefer to give a second chance, I will base the rest of my comments on that idea ;) Feel free to post more questions if you still have some.
You are right that no one is perfect. If you do forgive him and give him a second chance, then you certainly can expect more understanding if you should ever make a mistake--which we all do from time to time. I would not recommend saving this one up as "insurance" so you can purposely do something you shouldn't do though! hahaha (Some people do that, you know, but it's really not fair to the relationship.)
Of course you're afraid of getting hurt. That makes perfect sense. You were afraid of getting hurt before this incident as well!! And if you meet a new gentleman today and start a new relationship, you will still have to deal with the fear of possibly getting hurt. In life there is no way to avoid getting our hearts broken :( It sucks, but it's true. Human beings are all flawed, and even when we operate with the absolute best of intentions, we still make mistakes and unfortunately sometimes hurt the people we love most.
What I wanted to say about that is that being afraid of getting hurt and building walls around ourselves to try to prevent it actually will not protect our fragile hearts. In fact, building TOO MANY WALLS will isolate us and hurt us far more in the end than even a dozen mistakes of a loved one!
At this point all you can do is ask yourself: what risks can I afford to take with my heart, and what can I do to minimize the potential for heartbreak?
If you give him a second chance (which I think is an all right idea, considering how you both seem to feel in this situation) then your best course of action is some open, honest communication about what happened, how it made you feel, and what he was feeling that led to the mistake he made. He should explore any remaining feelings that he has for his ex, who also sounds like a significant friend in his life. Is he able to release all romantic feelings and continue a friendship with her? (That isn't always possible and he needs to take some time to really explore that. It could be that he needs a few weeks away from her to let the dynamic between them relax before he can return to the situation as nothing more than a friend.)
Anyhow, this is getting quite long! Feel free to reply with any other questions or things you would like to discuss. I truly appreciate your comment and allowing me to provide some insight. I hope it has helped you to feel a bit more confident about your decision.
~*~Monica~*~
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