Desperate to Hold Onto You

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

Desperation is not one of the hallmarks of love, and feelings of desperation are a clear sign that your relationship is unhealthy, dysfunctional, and definitely toxic. If you, someone you care about, or someone you're romantically involved with is feeling or exhibiting signs of desperation, listen up!

You are responsible for your own happiness in life. This statement is absolutely true and it should be empowering. A relationship with another person cannot be your sole reason for living. If you find yourself feeling this way, you need to STOP and re-examine your life. Don't waste another minute pinning all your hopes and aspirations on another frail and fallible human being. You absolutely must find gratitude and joy in the world around you, and if you are unable to do this, you need to seek professional help--for your own good and for the sake of everyone you care about.

Depression is a monster and it can come into your life as the result of loneliness, disappointment, real or perceived failures, and many other painful experiences. Everyone has felt depression--to some degree--at some point in their life, so there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about seeking help for your depression. Depression can be the result of a chemical imbalance that is easily treatable, and it can be the result of deeply rooted psychological issues that can also be treated and healed through counseling and also spiritual support. Whatever the cause of the depression, you deserve healing!

It is not uncommon for a person to reach a point where they feel their romantic relationship is not working--for whatever reason--and they want to break it off but the person they're involved with threatens to commit suicide if they break up. This very situation happened to me many years ago when I told a boyfriend that it was time for both of us to move on from the relationship. He threatened to commit suicide, and he knew he could expect a strong reaction from me because this happened only a few months after my brother had tragically ended his own life. I certainly did react strongly, but it was not my loving and compassionate nature that came out at that moment! I was absolutely furious that he would attempt to manipulate and control me in such a way. I also found it incredibly disrespectful that he would try to use my intense grief and feelings of guilt regarding my brother's death to get what he wanted. So I called his bluff and told him to go ahead and do it, right then and there while I watched (of course he didn't).

To be perfectly honest, I didn't handle it the best way I could have! I reacted from a place of hurt and anger, and I know now that there were better ways to deal with this type of situation. However, if a person threatens to hurt themselves because you want to break off the relationship, it is a deliberate and inherently cruel attempt at manipulation and control. They want to play on your compassion and concern as a means of holding onto you, and to create fear and an unreasonable sense of responsibility for their life. The other person may be emotionally immature as a result of youth and inexperience (as was the case with my former boyfriend) but it still doesn't give them a right to control you. If you stay in the relationship out of guilt and fear, the relationship cannot be fulfilling to either one of you; it will still reach its inevitable end, and the resulting emotional trauma to both of you could be far more severe than if you break up now.

In most of these situations, the other person is bluffing and has no intention of doing anything to hurt themselves. The chances are you do still care what happens to them--you've just reached a point where you know the romantic relationship cannot continue. The best thing you can do is tell the other person that you do care but you cannot take on that type of responsibility. Give them the telephone number for a 24 hour crisis intervention hot-line, the address and number for a clinic that offers free crisis counseling, or other resources that can help them. Urge them to seek help for their depression so they can get the most out of life! This is the best thing you can do for them, whether they're bluffing or suffering from depression. If the other person is truly depressed, you most likely do not have the ability to heal them, and you cannot afford the expense to your own well being if you attempt to.

If you find yourself feeling desperate to hold onto a romantic relationship, you need to stop and ask yourself why! Perhaps you are not so desperate that you would threaten or even attempt to hurt yourself, but any sense of desperation is a warning sign that something is profoundly wrong in the relationship itself and possibly in your spirit and psyche. You don't want to go through life relying on another human being for happiness and the will to live--you want and deserve to feel joy from even the tiniest miracles life has to offer! You might be suffering from a chemical imbalance, or you might even be involved in a relationship that has become so toxic that you can't even enjoy the rest of the world around you! No matter who you are or what has happened in your life, you don't deserve to feel so afraid of loss and rejection. If you can't pull yourself out of this emotional turmoil, ask for help from your doctor, your loved ones and even God and your angels. You're not alone and you're worth so much more than this!

~*~Monica Who~*~